God Determines Our Steps - by Jennifer Morel
“We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.”
What is God up to? I have been asking myself that question daily and I can only begin to guess at the answer.
God brought me to Element three and a half years ago and I have no doubt that it was God who directed my steps. I was a very broken person when I first set foot in the warehouse. I could hide it well when I wanted to but I was struggling with severe depression and had isolated myself to the point that my only contact with other people was the students to whom I taught piano lessons and my therapist. I knew I couldn’t keep going like that, that something had to change and I believed that finding a church I could get involved in would be a step in that direction.
I found Element online and it literally took me weeks to build up the courage to check it out. Even though I liked what I saw, it was several weeks before I went back. This time, I filled out a “what’s next card” and marked that I wanted to get involved in a house church. A few days later, I got an invitation email from Grant and I began attending the Radebaugh’s house church. It was easy for me to be consistent with house church; that small group of people became my friends. I now knew people who would be at the warehouse on Sunday mornings, but I still had a hard time forcing myself to go. It felt awkward to me; I wasn’t sure how to connect with this larger group of people or where I fit into it.
After 6 months of attending house church and still only occasionally attending Element on Sunday mornings, I decided that needed to change. I needed to find a way to make Sunday mornings no longer optional. That’s when I saw in the weekly email that a room leader was needed for the 2-3 year olds. I knew I could do that. Besides being a teacher, I have worked in Sundayschool and at camps and VBS since I was in middle school. 2-3 year olds weren’t really my thing, but I could definitely do this. So, I volunteered and got plugged in the next week.
Since that time, I have been at Element almost every Sunday morning and I have been working in a leadership role in ekids. It was easy for me to fit into that role and from that to just kind of fit in at Element.
And I believe with all of my heart that that is exactly what I have needed.
I needed a safe place to belong and to blend in at times. I needed to be known and loved and accepted. I needed to know that my ideas were valuable and that I was valuable. And I was given that and so much more. I am still changing and learning and growing, but I am a very different person now than when I first set foot in the warehouse. Those things that caused the brokenness are still a part of who I am, but they no longer define me.
The last few months have been difficult for me because I have felt very disconnected from Element. This place—but more than that—these people who have meant so much to me seemed to be existing apart from me. I wasn’t connecting with the things I was seeing and hearing or with the people who had been so much a part of my life. For much of the last few months, I fought this feeling of disconnectedness with everything I had. But, God slowly started teaching me to release it—to release the anger, the fear, the need to be involved, the need to understand, my idea of the way things needed to be, and even friendships. Little by little, I placed those things in Gods hands and he replaced them with peace. The feelings didn’t magically disappear and I definitely took back the things I had released time and time again, but I began to learn what it meant to rest in God in this way.
Then last week, God made it clear to me that another “releasing” was about to take place. He told me that He was releasing me from ekids. He didn’t speak the words to me, I didn’t hear a voice speak to me, and yet I have no doubt what my good Dad told me and somehow I knew it was right. With all of the other releasing over the last few months, God had been preparing me for this. My natural reaction would be to fight this releasing and hold onto ekids. I put so much time and energy into ekids and part of me doesn’t want to let go of that, but I’m not fighting this. I don’t understand it, but I have peace.
I prayed about it and talked with a few close friends before officially stepping down from ekids and during one of those times of prayer, God said something else to me. A phrase kept running through my mind and I knew this one was from God as well. “This is not your battle to fight.” I’m not exactly sure what that means. I think it relates to ekids, but I think it means so much more. If this isn’t my battle to fight, then what is? Where is God leading me? What is He up to? I’m in this time of waiting and resting, but also of expectancy because I know God has a plan and that he will determine my steps.