On the Run - by Melody Farrell

I've taken up running lately. (I know... Ew.)

I've never much liked being active or physical, but over the last few years I've discovered that it's the only way to keep my mental and emotional health in check. So I've tried my hand at many different forms of fitness - yoga, kickboxing, weightlifting, spinning, Zumba - you name it, I've done it. Running was the one thing I tried to avoid because it just seemed so... boring. The monotonous pounding of feet to pavement or treadmill was very much less-than-exciting. In fact it seemed a bit tortuous.

But in an effort to vary my routine, I gave running a half-chance. And I've gotta tell you... there are days when it is my absolute favorite way to work out. I never want to do it before I start - it's always a difficult task to psych myself up to begin. And it's never all that fun for the first mile or so. But once I get in my groove, once I'm able to forget about my body and allow my mind to engage the music I am listening to or the prayers I am praying as I run, I discover this sort of "high" (you've heard of the runner's high I'm sure) that makes me feel like I could literally keep going forever. 

And I keep feeling that way... until I stop. Once the run is over, I begin to feel the stress on my body. Knees aching or blisters on my feet or back protesting - none of which I felt or cared about while I was in the middle of the run.

Alright, enough about my supposed mastery of physical fitness (I still have a loooooooong way to go, I assure you). The point of it all is this:

I run spiritually too. And mentally, and emotionally. I run towards things. I'm discovering this about myself more and more every day, and God taught me a pretty important lesson about it this week. I'm finding that I operate best when I'm on the run. In fact I think I subconsciously create things to run towards. I look for targets to run at - whether it be an event, a conference, a business goal, an important meeting, a milestone for my kids - just something to keep my mind on what is ahead. And whenever I am focused on something to run towards, I'm in a safe zone. I'm almost invincible. I don't feel all the things I'm running from - the depression, fear, anxiety, sadness, uncertainty, and hurt.

I had an extremely rough day this week - a full on crash. In my bed, crying for hours, unable to operate. I hadn't had one of those days in a long time and I was pretty upset to be faced with it again. I thought I had beaten that! Moved PAST that crippling defeat. All I could think was, God, where are You here? Didn't You already win this battle for me???

In analyzing why I was where I was, I realized that the crash had come because I had stopped running, just for a moment. Just for a breather. A month of insanity had just been completed and I had a day or two before I had to tackle the next set of obstacles and goals and items on my agenda. But instead of being able to rest and heal and prepare to move forward again, I allowed all the things that had been chasing me to attack me at once. And I crashed.

For a few hours. 

And then... I decided it was time to run again. I refuse to let that depression back into my life. I defy it. And so I began to plunge head-first into the next set of places to run.

But then, God - in His quiet, loving, gentle way - spoke to my heart.

Melody... You are tired. 

Yes. Yes, I am tired. I am so, so, so tired. I am not meant to run forever, non-stop marathoning from one goal to the next without ever taking time to rest and heal. But I don't know how to stop. It's too scary to stop. I can't fight all the monsters off, and if I stop, they all attack. I might have a pretty killer jump kick and a mean right hook, but I can't fight them all off at once. And I told God so.

I wish he had given me the clear and perfect answer as to how to stop this cycle I have found myself in. But I think the process of my discovering the answer is part of the journey I am meant to be on right now. So it's not completely clear in my mind how I am supposed to change.

But... He gave me a place to start.

He told me I'm allowed to run. I'm created to run. I'm pretty darn good at it. But I'm not made to run away from pain. And I'm not made to run towards "objectives" and goals and targets of my own choosing. I'm made to run towards HIM. And when I find the rhythm of my footsteps and cadence of my breath that takes me towards His heart, then HE will fill me with the energy to keep the pace. As Hebrews 12 says, "let us run with patience this race that is set before us". When we run to HIM, He will "strengthen feeble arms and weak knees", and He will "make level paths for our feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed".

I don't have it all figured out yet, but I've gotten this far: I don't have to sprint and crash my way through life. There is a better way to run.